It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
