This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
