Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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