Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
