Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
