I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
