why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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