this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
