I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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