My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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