How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
