I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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