I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
