I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
