I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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