So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
