my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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