im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
