did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
