AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
