yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize