Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
