I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
