The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
