I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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