This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
