im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
