I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
