Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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