when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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