She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
