how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
