Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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