And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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