I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
