i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize