I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
