guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
