I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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