"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
