If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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