I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
