I cannot find my penis.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
