Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
