The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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