i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize