8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
