i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
