Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
