Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Are we still banned from the library?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
