he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
