My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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