Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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