We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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