Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
