so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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