I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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