u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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